( closed. )

[naberrie]

Who: skywalkers
When: evening, after moving to the boneyard
Where: away from everyone else because no one deserves this drama
What: episode 3.5: the force would like to be excluded from this narrative

[ she lost track of time speaking to luke. a short sojourn become a getting to know each other, seated on the cooler sand underneath a ridge of earth, trading questions and stories, trying to pack nineteen years worth of memories into hours. padmé held luke’s hand.

how long she spent there she doesn’t know only that the sun had tracked further across the sky when she raised her head. neither does she know how long anakin observed them, mother and son both too engrossed to take notice of anything around them until luke found him. padmé’s smile was radiant. it transformed her face, cutting through so much of the heaviness that had been draped around her shoulders like a mantle since she struggled out of her pod.

when she climbed to her feet, she still held luke’s hand.

padmé had remained near him since. sometimes speaking, often listening with something very close to awe every time she looked into the face of their grown-up son. “he looks like you,” she spoke to anakin quietly once, eyes still on luke, her voice caught in a bittersweet vice. there was never a hint of doubt. padmé loved him completely and immediately when she learned she was pregnant; she loved him completely and immediately the moment he spoke his name.

if only she could see leia, as well. if only she could hold her daughter. only once. her joy would be perfect.

distracted though she is, padmé does not fail to notice when anakin draws away from the circle gathered around the fire. pushing off the ground, she follows him. the sun since set, and the desert is both dark and cold. the fire is a flickering red-orange point at their backs when she reaches him. her arm slides across his back; her fingers curl lightly around his wrist. her smile is a gentle, little thing, gone from view when she tips her chin down and rests her head against his shoulder.

she does not need the force to know something is wrong. nor does she need it to tell her where his thoughts lie. where her own would were their positions reversed. padmé holds her husband, and she waits. ]

Comments

[sandhate]

[ he is, at best, distant and staring outwards. he couldn't stop seeing his eyes on luke's face without seeing padmé's. he should be happy about that, but all he's reminded of are those words when he was reunited with his wife. they lost them. he didn't even know them and he lost them. it runs in circles in his head - luke's life growing with owen and beru might as well as been a stamp of failure. he should have grown up with his parents. he failed. he failed.

he moves away with every intention of meditating - or at least attempting to - but being apart from the chatter and luke makes the silence more pronounced. any other jedi would have filled it with the sounds from room of a thousand fountains. his mind fills in with sounds of blaster fire and machine whirs until her hand wakes him from that odd daze.

there's a sign of a smile that disappears just as quickly as hers. he settles into the warmth and softness of her, trying to find comfort in it. he close his eyes for a moment and inevitably thinks of luke's eyes and luke's face and the time luke never had with his parents. his hand grasps hers, weaves their fingers together. ]

He's- [ alive.

he chuckles more to relieve the tension in his chest than finding humor in the situation ] He's a lot like you.

[naberrie]

He's a lot like us, [ padmé corrects him softly. lifting her head, she cards her fingers through anakin's hair. ]

I remember a different boy who couldn't stop asking questions. I was very fond of him.

[ though she is smiling again, sorrow brackets her mouth. her hand continues to play with his hair, as much meant as a comfort for him as it is for her. it's no great secret she loves it. not when she so often did the same under other circumstances good and ill. ( and maybe she's still afraid he will vanish any second. that she will be left alone or worse — with a stranger she neither knows or understands. )

dark lashes brush the tops of her cheeks. how does one feel so full and so hollow at once? and tired. above all, tired. ]

We missed so much.

[sandhate]

[ he flash a wry grin at the memory. nine years old and already convinced that he would marry her someday. that, he didn't question at all. he fills his lungs with air, mustering that confidence and certainty in himself. he brings his arms around her, pulls her in close to chase the cold away and dark away. ]

When you said you lost them, I thought- I thought we'd never get a chance to know him.

[ he leans against her and close his eyes. his mind drifts to naboo - if they could go back there, if everything could stop just for a moment then maybe he could figure this out. how to be a better husband, how to be a father at all, just how to be here and not letting his mind stray towards what could. ]

I don't understand - how is this possible.

[naberrie]

[ once, their only reason for doubt had been whether the baby would be a boy or girl ( she, insistent on a boy; he, certain of a girl; both eventually proven right. ) once, the future had been laid out before them so clear it seemed a reward for all they had fought for, all they had sacrificed, all they had lost. in their arrogance, they dared believe it was a future owed to them: an idyllic paradise on the blue waters of her home. it had all suddenly fit so perfectly.

and they, so sure nothing could touch them, dared to challenge it.

padmé lays her palms on his chest. her stomach is a series of knots, each more painful than the next. eyes closed, she tries to calm the traitorous beat of her heart. it continues to pulse the slow, choking oil of guilt through her veins. ]

I was so sure I lost them. [ she speaks so quietly the words are almost lost against his collarbone. his warmth envelops her, but she still feels cold. need alone has her lift her head when all she wants is to hide her face against his chest, and let him hold her. ]

I wish you could have seen them. They were the most beautiful little boy and little girl. [ she laughs, tears pricking at her eyes. ] They were perfect.

[ luke had fussed in his blanket, his tiny fists waving in the air. leia, so stoic in comparison, wore such a serious look on her small face. some images are constructed each time they are recalled: remembering "she has dark hair" or "he is olive-skinned." others are printed vividly like the afterimage of a sun onto the back of one's eyelids. that is how she recalls the image of her children: seared onto her eyes and into her mind in a perfect portrait. ]

And then there was their mother. [ padmé's head drops. she looks at her nails, at his suit, to ground: anywhere but at him. her expression is as distant as the stars. ] Too weak to even hold her baby.

[ padmé shakes her head. ]

I'm so sorry, Anakin. [ they each played a part. they're each to blame. ] I should have gone back to Naboo. We should have gone home, you and me and the babies, the minute I knew. I'm their mother, and I couldn't —

[sandhate]

[ he's listening to her and he can hardly believe her words. he would have thought he imagined it if he didn't feel her speak against his skin tight suit. it aches that he would never see them as padmé had, never welcomed them to the world like a father should. however beautiful he imagines his children, it leaves him feeling hollow and his mind placing another point in his list of failures.

he starts and turns to her sharply, speechless at her apology and the thought that she even felt the need to. anakin stares at her, mouth slightly open as he tries to untangle himself from the mess of guilt and shame, the grief twined with bittersweet, to be there for her. his hands cups her face so that their eyes would meet and his voice wavers for a moment before it settles more firmly with more conviction. ]

No, I'm sorry. I'm the one who wasn't there. For you, for our children! I left you to face this on your own. [ he breathes, shakily. his vision blurs just a bit more. ] I have failed you as your husband. And I will never forgive myself for that.

[ he close his eyes and rest his head against hers.

it's easier to tap into that anger, it's familiar and more-or-less comfortable. in anger, he finds the solution to his grief. his brow burrows and his grip on her tightens, just a fraction to be more present. anakin exhales sharply and opens his blue eyes again. ]

Tell me - who took them. I'll find them when we get out of this place. I'll find whoever took them from us and make sure they pay.

[naberrie]

No, Anakin—

[ I’ve done it for you, the monster wearing her love’s face told her. to protect you. and she wants cry again that she was never worth his destroying himself in her name. her life has never been worth his goodness.

her eyes are wide and dark on her pallid face. she swallows past the ache in her throat. ]

There’s something else you need to know. [ she gives him the date as she knew it last: two days after the fall of the republic. meaning, ] The defense of Anaxes…that was months ago. A few weeks ago, you were called back to the capital. Count Dooku was dead. The war was all but over.

We were betrayed.

[ they had all been played for fools. the senate, the jedi, the separatists, her, him. and they and the galaxy paid for their blindness.

her voice is tiny. ]

The Republic's dead.

[sandhate]

[ he pulls away from her. he begins to mouth the words - that doesn't make sense, we got orders from coruscant just hours ago. he quickly reminds himself that luke is evidence that their timelines aren't aligned here.

he frowns and swallows the deep seated unease coming from his chest. it should've been good to hear that dooku was dead. it should have meant that the wars was over.

but betrayal? his mechanical hand curls around her arm, gently. ]

I don't- I don't understand. What are you saying? How can a republic- the Republic die?

[naberrie]

It's gone. [ her voice is distinctly flat: not from lack of emotion, but from the press of too much. ] Only the Empire exists. Where one man's whims become law, and disagreement is grounds for arrest.

[ padmé bore silent witness, scarcely believing what unfolded before her. with a little distance, she can better recognize the signs preceding it: worrisome then, frighteningly obvious when it is too late. but even then, stunned by what had transpired the night before, by the horrors that spewed from their new emperor's mouth, she recognized the futility of speaking up. the time for public protest was over. quiet resistance was all they had left.

and in almost twenty years, the yoke of the empire did not release. her children were born, raised, and grew under the shadow of an entity built on a foundation of bones. padmé's stomach turns. she told ahsoka she would deliver this news, spare her the need. now that her opportunity has come, she finds it a struggle to speak. ]

That's not all. The Jedi…they were declared traitors. The temple was attacked. The survivors, and any sympathizers, they've had to go to ground.

[sandhate]

[ he hears her words but it just doesn't make sense. none of it does. the whole republic can't be gone. there's no way that the chancellor would allow that. there's no way the woman before him would either, nevermind the whole jedi order which exists to serve the republic and its citizens. it's simply impossible.

and he begins to say it when he hears the rest of her revelations. and a part of him whispers that that would fit together; no jedi would means a galaxy at chaos and a way gain true and absolute power would be easier then.

anakin shakes his head. he would have laughed if the look on her face wasn't so dire. ]

There are thousands of Jedi all over the galaxy. Even if we were attacked, none of them would have allowed one man to take control of the entire Republic and brand it as an empire! [ he turns away from her, covering his brow with his hand. he thinks about his master in hiding, of master windu and yoda who would no doubt be among the survivors. it only leads him to think of the ones who wouldn't have survived.

his voice is rough and caught between clenched teeth. ] Is this how we lose them?

Am I dead? [ he turns to her then. he's always been an unconventional jedi but now encompassing none of the clam that jedi are known for and all the anger and need for revenge, he feels even less of one. no jedi, no hero of fear, no husband and certainly no father. ]

[naberrie]

[ what? ]

Of course not. [ she knew he wasn't dead. was certain of it in a way she cannot explain and does not expect anyone would believe. but she would have known. she would have known if it happened. she would have felt it.

padmé reaches for him again, foolishly so perhaps. but she's not thinking of her or of what anakin might do. she sees the foreboding expression, she hears the severity with which he speaks, and she has already moved beside him again, hands cupping his face. ]

You're here. You're alive…! You're as I'd hoped I'd find you.

[ minus some ~five months worth of memories, but you know. ]

[sandhate]

[ was she expecting something else? something in the way she says that worries him. and if he were more paranoid and consumed by his own doubts, it might have been a question he would have voiced. but as he is now, he can only imagine her relief at seeing him in one piece.

he is very much alive; he can feel the sun on them and her touch on his face. anakin inhales deeply and centers himself in the force. focus on the moment. their survival off this damn planet is the more pressing problem - he has to focus on that now. he close his eyes and leans into her hand for a moment.

when he opens his eyes, his eyes flickers downwards for a moment - the dread and the sense of failure starts to fill him until he looks up at her face again. ] What you're saying is just months from now-- form where I'm from, the Republic and the Jedi Order will cease to exist. Everything I know to be true is going to be replaced by an empire, and that's the world that Luke grows up in.

[ he paused, his confusion and disbelief at the situation returns ] Do you know how crazy that sounds?

[naberrie]

[ quietly, ] I know. [ closing her eyes, she releases a breath. ] It still…feels unreal.

[ she had a moment, shortly after she found him, when she thought she might have imagined all of it. some hideous too-real nightmare from which she could not wake. but every second only made her realize she was alive and awake and faced with the impossible. ]

Then I spoke with Ahsoka and Luke… [ padmé shakes her head. ]

She wanted to be here for you while I broke the news. I thought it would be preferable just the two of us.

[sandhate]

She knows. [ he knew they had things to talk about, him and ahsoka; he had expected the most difficult part would be talking through the widening gap between him and his former padawan. this is something else. suddenly, he wish ahsoka was here, so that he can feel her close in the force.

anakin rubs his hands over his face, his eyes squeezed shut and for a moment, the darkness is comforting. ]

It is. Thank you. [ he offers a faint smile and close the distance between them. he press a kiss on her temple and breathes, inhaling confidence back into his life. ] We focus on being alive here, and we'll figure out the rest later.

[ when he pulls back, his smile turns bittersweet. he cups her face, thumbs soothing along her cheeks. his words are whispered between them. ] We have a son.